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Self Motivated

I've been doing a little better since I wrote "On Teaching."  I still haven't been applying for jobs. It starts to feel like a lot of effort, and I get very little positive feedback. I don't have a fixed area in which I'm applying -- just feel like I'm submitting applications randomly to schools or whatever position anywhere in the country. I would rather go "on the ground" to a particular office or campus, submit my resume in person to whoever is in charge of the operation, interview the people there. I think I'll be volunteering or substituting -- just trying to get experience and make contacts. I want to make enough money, if I can, but after spending so many years treading water, I'm anxious to see if I can find a way to do something and not just get paid. -- Part of the reason I've "tread water" is my own lack of motivation, but I don't want to have one more year where I feel like I'm doing something meaningless. I want to bring my life back on track.

That's another thing about applying for jobs. I've always hated the feeling that I have to ask someone's permission to do what I want. I studied philosophy on my own and then audited courses, even when professors didn't think I was starting in the right place. I've largely taught myself Chinese calligraphy (not to mention Chinese itself), and if my calligraphy isn't very polished, I've still bristled at the idea of having to pay someone and do things "in the right way." Thinking back on it, I would have moved to New York and gone to the campus of Columbia on my own to audit classes. I wouldn't have come out with a degree, but I would have been where I wanted to be.

I just hate the idea of thinking, "I want to do this," -- and then someone tells you, "No," because you don't have the qualifications or your scores aren't good enough or you aren't "talented" or you don't know the right people. You need to exercise your vocation to be happy -- throw down the barriers! So if I want to teach at a school, whatever school I want to teach at, I'll go there and peddle my wares. It's true that no one is going to make me a handout of money or prestige, but at least I'll get the experience I want.

I want to exercise my profession, whatever it ends up being, as a rebuke to those who said I couldn't or who insisted on my taking a certain path to get there. My existence will be a causa sui -- and non serviam.

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