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Rootless

Apartment hunting, job hunting, self control, goals.  Lots of things to do -- a half notion of where I want to be -- but no clear path to get there.  Jobs and apartments: I can send out resumes and reply to ads, but there's competition.  For an apartment, I need proof that I can pay out the year.  Now that my husband has income, I have some security -- but how do I convince a land-lord?  I feel like I need to be able to provide everything immediately, or I'll lose the apartment.  And I'm already supposed to have begun hunting.

Jobs -- I only have a vague notion.  I'd like to do something that gives me a sense of accomplishment.  Something as structured but varied as school work.  My skill are all abstract.  I have no relevant experience to land me in a particular industry, and I don't know where to go to apply for entry level jobs.  I'm registering with temp. agencies, hoping I'll get a call, hoping it will lead to something.  I'm in the same position I was 10 years ago -- before I went to grad. school, before I left for China.  I face the same gnawing question, what will I do with my life?  Only now I don't have the existential comfort of a vocation to fall back on.

No longer destined for literature, for poetry.  I evaded the problem before by declaring myself for philosophy and throwing myself desperately at graduate school.  But in five years, I grew bored; I grew doubtful; I threw myself into other things, but lost my taste for them as well.  Now, no guiding light.  So it's only me against the multitude of professions.  How does anyone do it?  And I think I ought to know by now.  三十而立 -- established at thirty.  But I have uprooted myself.

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