Skip to main content

Rootless

Apartment hunting, job hunting, self control, goals.  Lots of things to do -- a half notion of where I want to be -- but no clear path to get there.  Jobs and apartments: I can send out resumes and reply to ads, but there's competition.  For an apartment, I need proof that I can pay out the year.  Now that my husband has income, I have some security -- but how do I convince a land-lord?  I feel like I need to be able to provide everything immediately, or I'll lose the apartment.  And I'm already supposed to have begun hunting.

Jobs -- I only have a vague notion.  I'd like to do something that gives me a sense of accomplishment.  Something as structured but varied as school work.  My skill are all abstract.  I have no relevant experience to land me in a particular industry, and I don't know where to go to apply for entry level jobs.  I'm registering with temp. agencies, hoping I'll get a call, hoping it will lead to something.  I'm in the same position I was 10 years ago -- before I went to grad. school, before I left for China.  I face the same gnawing question, what will I do with my life?  Only now I don't have the existential comfort of a vocation to fall back on.

No longer destined for literature, for poetry.  I evaded the problem before by declaring myself for philosophy and throwing myself desperately at graduate school.  But in five years, I grew bored; I grew doubtful; I threw myself into other things, but lost my taste for them as well.  Now, no guiding light.  So it's only me against the multitude of professions.  How does anyone do it?  And I think I ought to know by now.  三十而立 -- established at thirty.  But I have uprooted myself.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Interpretation: "Leda" by H.D.

Where the slow river meets the tide, a red swan lifts red wings and darker beak, and underneath the purple down of his soft breast uncurls his coral feet. Creature of the sea, made from the deep, Not its darkness where the hundred monsters Sleep but from a deeper still, where pearls And other jewels their corazón await, A depth so clear, so still, Deeper than the deep, about its treasures Clinging like a sheet, edge upon the edge Of what is seen, a flicker and a sweep. This way to emerge! Royally too evident become And darker darkness radiate, to sweep and fly, Ever in the way things underneath Have shown themselves And wear the world as a wreath, Oblivious to any demand, "Why?" Through the deep purple of the dying heat of sun and mist, the level ray of sun-beam has caressed the lily with dark breast, and flecked with richer gold its golden crest. Gold on gold more gilded, on the other hand, recedes Into a darkness and stillness, leads The mi...
Post a Comment
Read more

Autumn Rain Is When the Wutong Sheds Its Leaves

Wutong trees in a Chinese garden 春風桃李花開日， 秋雨梧桐葉落時。 西宮南內多秋草， 落葉滿階紅不掃。 梨園子弟白髮新， 椒房阿監青娥老 夕殿螢飛思悄然， 孤燈挑盡未成眠。 遲遲鐘鼓初長夜， 耿耿星河欲曙天。 鴛鴦瓦冷霜華重， 翡翠衾寒誰與共？ In a spring breeze it's true that peach and pear both flower in the sun -- but autumn rain is when the Wutong sheds its leaves. In the Southern Sanctum of the Palace of the West, the autumn grass abounds; shed leaves brim over steps from which red cannot be swept. The disciples of Pear Garden have newly grown white hair; the ladies of the Pepper Room -- their youth all is now old. In the Western Hall the buzzing flies stir sorry thoughts; the lonely lamp has used its wick and still he has not slept. The hesitation of the bell begins the lengthy night; the stars of the Milky Way, twinkling, herald now the dawn. The dove-tailed bricks are chilled with heavy frost -- with whom to share the quilt which, though of eiderdown, is cold?
Post a Comment
Read more

Self Motivated

I've been doing a little better since I wrote "On Teaching."  I still haven't been applying for jobs. It starts to feel like a lot of effort, and I get very little positive feedback. I don't have a fixed area in which I'm applying -- just feel like I'm submitting applications randomly to schools or whatever position anywhere in the country. I would rather go "on the ground" to a particular office or campus, submit my resume in person to whoever is in charge of the operation, interview the people there. I think I'll be volunteering or substituting -- just trying to get experience and make contacts. I want to make enough money, if I can, but after spending so many years treading water, I'm anxious to see if I can find a way to do  something and not just get paid. -- Part of the reason I've "tread water" is my own lack of motivation, but I don't want to have one more year where I feel like I'm doing something meaningles...
Post a Comment
Read more